Beckham Ceremony Recap (In Case You Fell Asleep)

Did you see it? Did you see David Beckham’s official arrival? Thrilling, wasn’t it?

Well, actually, not so much. I watched while chugging a double latte and still needed toothpicks to prop my eyes open. And now I face the Blogger’s Challenge: How to make the really, truly, incredibly boring into something interesting. Or at least less boring.

Am I up to the challenge? Probably not. But here we go anyway.

Okay. I turn on my TV. I’m watching on ESPNEWS.

– First we see a shot of Posh on the sidelines, in the crowd, hand on hip, striking a pose. (This is, blessedly, all we will see of her.)

– Next we cut to those man-on-the-street interviews, where LA residents everywhere reveal their ignorance of soccer. Only the guy who sounds Australian and the Argentinian dressed as Rambo have a clue. (The Rambo guy isn’t a Beckham fan, but thinks Becks can make a difference “like Maradona.” I love people who toss Maradona references into conversations. Particularly when those people look like they share some of Maradona’s pastimes.)

– Interspersed among all of this we see shot after shot of David Beckham scoring from free kicks. My mind goes numb and I have no idea if they’re showing multiple shots or the same ones over and over again.

– And in case you didn’t know, the text on the screen says that David Beckham is the only English player to score in three World Cups. Because this won’t, y’know, remind us that he’s old or anything. And this text will show up on the screen over and over, every time things gets boring. So for pretty much the whole press conference.

– Oh! Excellent! The press conference begins!

– Lalas: Blahblahblahblahblah Beckham blah blah blah. Tim Lieweke blah blah

– Leiweke: Blahblahblahblahblah Beckham blah blah blah 250,000 jerseys blah blah

– Garber Blahblahblahblahblah Beckham, at which point he becomes so boring ESPNEWS cuts away to voiceovers, giving us talking heads talking about Beckham. Then Garber says something in Spanish, because we all know how successful Beckham’s Spanish lessons were at his time in Madrid. Integrity blah blah thanks to Simon Fuller blah blah blah Phil Anschutz blah blah blah. The end at last.

– Lalas introduces Frank Yallop and does it in a way that almost makes us believe they’re actually speaking to each other. At least until he goes to sit down and Frank stands up and there’s this incredibly awkward moment when one extends a hand… And then after a long hesitation the other takes it.

–Yallop blah blah blah last piece of the puzzle blah blah buy the Galaxy kit blah blah. Have I ever heard Yallop speak before? I didn’t know he sounded so…so…British.

– Lalas thanks the team, the “Galaxy family.” Because hell, yeah, I know I sell off my kids and buy new ones when they start to bore me.

And then at last we have: THE BECKHAM

Becks stands up, the music plays, confetti flows, he holds up a jersey, cameras flash. Then he begins to speak and ESPNEWS immediately goes to a commercial, mid-word. Somebody today is looking for a job. I switch to Fox Soccer.

More confetti, more blaring music…

Beckham: Blahblahblahblahblah foot…er…soccer…blahblahblah potential for soccer to be as big as everywhere else in the world (huge cheer) blahblahblah, keep supporting…blahblah. Sweet and humble and likable. But I believe he saves his charisma for the field.

Beckham sits down.

Next we have mayor Villaraigosa, oh he who cheats on his wife with reporters. Loud boos echo through the stadium. Mayor plasters on a smile. Tries to get people to cheer for Becks and is met with stony silence. Tries again and gets a halfhearted response. The press starts to leave. Mayor gives Beckham a plaque and sits down, smile still plastered in place.

And that was that. Did I miss anything? Oh, yeah, buy the jerseys, buy the jerseys, buy the jerseys, buy tickets to the games.

The end.

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Category: Player News, Team News